SHAME.

That’s how I felt.

That’s how I felt when I received THAT diagnosis. Depression.

 

So many suffer from mental illness. Some suffer in silence. Afraid that if they share what they are feeling, they will be seen as weak. Or not good enough. Or crazy.

If this is you…you’re not alone.

And, for the record, you’re not crazy.

When I got the diagnosis, I had a choice. How would I deal with it? Would I go to counseling? Try meds? Medicate in other ways? Or do nothing.

I decided to start with counseling.

Now, some think seeking out a “shrink” is weak, but I believe it to be the exact opposite. I believe it takes a strong person to make that call and begin the process. The process to say that you refuse to sit in pain. You refuse to sit in pain and stay in a place that is miserable and unhealthy. That you need someone to walk beside you, guide you and give you the tools you need to tackle the situation. That, my friend, takes a strong person.

Let me explain it this way. Counseling is like renovating a house. You are taking down walls, and revealing what’s underneath. And, once revealed, taking a step back and deciding what needs to be done.

Now, I’m not gonna lie…this can get messy. Real messy.

But, you have to go through the mess in order to get to the beautiful end product. But, like any renovation, something unexpected will pop up that you need to deal with. Something that you didn’t even know was an issue. This can be extremely frustrating. And, at this point some will say, “Enough”, and live in a worse mess than when you started. But, if you’re willing to tackle the issue, you will be glad you did.

And, if you start this process, I can almost guarantee that you will find relief very quickly. Why? Because when you voice your pain, it loses its power over you.

When you stuff everything, it’s like you are in a constant tug-of-war with that pain. You will always be fighting until you let go and voice it.

Once you voice it, it means that you are acknowledging it and are willing to step back and let go of the rope. And, once you let go of the rope, that’s when God starts to work. That’s when God starts to unveil His beautiful masterpiece. YOU.

Yes, you are a masterpiece. God doesn’t want you to wear masks and pretend to be someone you’re not. All that does is hide what He created. God wants you to be your authentic self.

And, in order to be authentically you, you need to have a solid foundation. And like any renovation, if the foundation is weak, the house can’t stand.

So, what is your foundation? What holds you up? What do you rely on? Is it your success? Money? A relationship? Your status?

My foundation changed in my 20’s. Up to that point I found my joy in my boyfriend, my “status” (eye roll), and my job. When my relationship ended I was devastated. I thought I would be married with kids at this point. That’s where all of my friends were in their lives. I didn’t know who I was. I was dealing with the abuse I suffered as a child and my dad was in the middle of a battle with cancer.

I had been doing counseling and was in the middle of my renovation and although it was working, something was missing. My foundation needed to change. And it changed at a Billy Graham crusade. I accepted Christ as my savior and I learned the greatest lesson of my life.

The lesson is this…

God is the only, and I mean ONLY one that can satisfy your every need. No human, no job, no amount of money, no “status”, nothing can satisfy you fully except God.

If you are putting your worth and joy in any earthly thing I can guarantee you it will fail you every time. A hundred times over. Humans will fail you. Your job will fail you. Your spouse will fail you. And guess what. You will fail them. We’re human. It happens. God is the only one who will not fail you.

Once my foundation was solid, I thought everything would be good. I thought I would feel better. But I didn’t. In fact, the heaviness and darkness worsened. I was extremely confused. I thought counseling and accepting Christ as my savior would be enough. But it wasn’t.

My thoughts became very dark and I became suicidal. I even made a move to complete my plan, but God intervened. I knew I needed help. I reached out to a pastor and my doctor and they suggested medication. My initial thought was absolutely not! I thought, “God is the great counselor. He should be all I need. He will save me. Why isn’t He saving me?”

During this questioning, my brother encouraged me by sharing a story that he had heard a long time ago. And this story changed my thinking.

He said, once there was a person who was drowning in the ocean. And that person prayed to God to save them. A short time later, a ship comes by to save him, but the person says “No, I’m waiting for God to save me.” Then, a helicopter flies and hovers overhead to save him, but again the person declines and yells “No, I’m waiting for God to save me.” And finally, a submarine emerges to save him, but the same response is given. The person dies and asks God “Why didn’t you save me?” God says to the person “I sent you a ship, a helicopter and a submarine but you kept declining my help.”

This helped me understand that God helps in a variety of ways. Medication included. And, with that, I agreed to try. And it was the last piece of the puzzle that I needed. Now, if you are like me and medication is helping you, it’s okay. It doesn’t make you less of a Christian. It doesn’t make you a weak person. As long as you are responsible taking it, then please don’t feel bad if it is helping you.

I have struggled with taking medication and have tried to go off multiple times. It didn’t work. My brain needs the extra serotonin. I have chronic depression. It’s not situational. It’s chronic. It’s a medical condition like diabetes or migraines.

Now, however you feel about meds, all I ask is that you don’t judge other’s decisions. What works for some might not work for others and that’s okay. Let’s support each other even if we don’t understand each other.

Depression and Anxiety are no joke. It’s a daily battle. A battle of the mind. And, it’s exhausting.

If this is you, let me just say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to battle this awful disease. But, I see you. I hear you. And, I stand with you.

Depression and anxiety will not define us. It is part of us but it is not who we are.

We will not sit back and do nothing. We will not sit in pain and suffer. We will voice it. We will go after it. And we will not feel shame.

God is waiting to renovate your life. He is ready to start taking down those walls. And, reveal His beautiful masterpiece.

You.