“If I forgive him, I’m letting him off the hook.”

That’s what I thought.  If I forgave the man that sexually assaulted me at the age of nine and a friend at the age of eight I’m basically saying that what he did was no big deal.  I thought it would mean that the sick things he put my friend and me through would be okay. That the whole experience would be brushed off and diminished.  That’s what I thought would happen if I forgave him.  And that’s why I didn’t forgive him for 12 years.

But at the age of 21, I heard something that changed everything.  I was watching the Oprah show and they were talking about forgiveness.  And one of the guests quoted Lewis B. Smedes.  And what he said changed everything.  He said, “To forgive is to set the prisoner free, but then to find out the prisoner is you.”  Whoa.  What?  I’m the prisoner?  For years I thought that when I didn’t forgive, I was punishing him.  But was I really?  Did he feel punished?  Did he care if I forgave him?  I don’t think so.  Not forgiving him was only hurting me.  And it made me an angry person.  It made my heart extremely hard.  Which made life hard.

Well, now what?  I just forgive him?  Just like that?  And, if I do, what does that even look like?

After I heard the quote, I remember sitting on my couch at my college apartment and my brain was spinning.  I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to do this.  I needed to forgive.  But didn’t know how.  I got up, went into my bedroom and called my dad.  He was my “go to” for any type of problem I was having.  He was the voice of reason and would have the answer.  And he did.  He said it was great that I was ready to forgive, but what he said next surprised me.  He said, “You need to know that you may need to forgive him over and over again.  It might not happen overnight.  It could take a while.”

And, he was right.

I wish I could tell you that forgiving is as easy as changing the radio station.  That my heart instantly changed.  But, it didn’t.  Not for me anyway.  It took a lot of prayer and forgiving him over and over again until I started to feel it.  I started to feel the weight being lifted.  The anger was easing and my spirit was becoming lighter.

The more forgiveness set in, I started to look at this man in a different way.  Not as a molester, but as a human being.  I started to think about what was going on in his life.  Why would he do this to two little girls?  Maybe he suffered from mental illness.  Maybe this was done to him when he was a child and he chose to do the same thing.  Whatever it was it must have been bad.  But, in the end, he was still a human being, with his own story.  And, I started to feel sorry for him.  Almost pity.

Having these feelings was a game changer.  Instead of praying that he was in hell, (because he passed away years ago), I prayed for his salvation.  I prayed he was in Heaven.  And, let me be clear, the ONLY way I was able to do this was by the grace of God.  Only through God’s strength was I strong enough to forgive him and look at him in a different light.  And, that is the key to forgiveness.

So, what do you need to do to forgive?  Start by praying, “God, help me forgive.”  Just those four words.  That’s it.  And keep praying it.  Every time the situation pops in your head say those words and leave the rest to God.  Even if you think there is no way you could even imagine forgiving a person that hurt you so deeply.  You can do it.  Just start small.  Remember, you’re not letting anyone “off the hook”, but you are saying that you aren’t going to let that person or situation control you anymore. You aren’t going to let this invisible “bitter blanket” weigh you down for one more minute.  You deserve freedom!  You deserve a life that is filled with joy.  Not sorrow.  And, when you do this, it will change who you are.  You will become the person you were created to be.

Now remember, some of you may feel it instantly, and others may take some time.  But keep your eyes on the finish line.  Once you cross it the freedom you will feel will blow you away.  I know you can do it.  Just start with taking that first step and praying, “God, help me forgive.”

God Bless you on your journey to freedom!

Mark 11:25

“If you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”